At this point, I’m left without a choice but to accept that I am a writer. Coz sometimes, I wonder.. if I’m not a writer, then what am I? If I’m not going to write, what else am I to do? If I can’t be good at writing, where else can I be good at?
It actually takes a lot of courage to admit these things to myself (which I have to do every single day by the way), much more to disclose these thoughts to an audience that includes professional writers and bloggers around the world who are brilliant at what they do.
I am what most people would call a jack of all trades, master of none. In wikipedia, this means
A person who is passably competent with many skills but is not outstandingly brilliant with any one particular skill.
Let me explain further.
Back then, it was Web Design that I was seriously pursuing, and I’d spend hours and hours self-studying my way around it, making myself familiar with Adobe Photoshop, Frontpage (jurassic era) and MX Dreamweaver. My pursuit, however, only allowed me to go as far as creating cute blog layouts for my own pleasure and enjoyment, and for friends and online contacts who were probably just supportive rather than impressed with my work. I design, by not really.
I wanted to be a guitarist too, but my rockstardom didn’t reach farther than the four corners of my room. I play mostly piano, which I do in church, and once in a while with friends. I never really mastered playing these two instruments. I often find myself wishing that I’m better at them. Oh, and I sing too, and I could pick up a mic and sing along with a videoke just right, or blend in with our church’s praise and worship team, but my vocal aesthetics is not enough to take me places. I’m a musician, but not really.
Now, I dream of pursuing serious photography. I started a photoblog, and have seriously thought of investing on a DSLR with hopes that maybe, just maybe, I would excel in this particular field and be confident about it. But, as expected of me, I still haven’t made the essential steps to pursue this. Just because, more than the financial investment I have to consider, I still fear that like web design and music, I would just end up wallowing in mediocrity and wasting my money. Such pessimism I have, yeah, thanks. I’m a photographer, but not really.
And then there’s writing. And blogging. (Which they say are two different things.)
I’ve been blogging for about six years already; took a course that required a lot of research and technical writing; started out my career as a web copywriter (slash SEO), and later on, was given the privilege of supervising and training a team of writers, while accepting writing gigs on the side. In short, I have (unconsciously) built up two years of experience in a field that requires me to write a lot.
Sometimes I wonder why after all these years of writing, I still have to convince myself that I am a writer. Writing is not something I tried to pursue, I just found myself doing it. I took Communication Research in college just because I wanted to avoid Math and Science, not because I wanted to write (only to find out later on that this course involves a lot of statistics too, gaah, but that’s another story). And unlike web design which I had to self-study, I didn’t spend hours consciously harnessing my writing skills. And unlike playing guitar and piano, which my parents made me take lessons on, I didn’t take any particular subject or training that contributed to my writing now.
Writing for me just happened. And I don’t really think I excel at it, it’s just something I have to do.
Because it pays the bills. Because if I don’t write, I can’t seem to imagine myself doing anything else. Because I love doing it (even though at times it doesn’t love me back). And because sometimes, I hate doing it too (even during those times I have no choice but to do it).
The existence of this love-hate relationship with writing makes me convinced that I am a writer. I must be one. I mean, aren’t all writers love writing and hate it too at one point or another? :P
P.S. This post is three days in the making (some writer I am hehe). And I’m not yet done, but I have to stop. The story never ends.