I started blogging somewhere else.

Meanwhile, I don’t have the heart to close this site down. I have decided to not perform any 301-redirects or import/export any XML file. All the posts I made from August 2006 to June 2009 shall remain in this blog (in the same way that my other older blogs are still around somewhere.)

Besides, this site is still earning, not a lot, but enough to allow me to have my occasional online splurges. Maybe I’d still update this with some sponsored posts once in a while, too.

But as for the girl who vowed to wear her heart on her sleeve, she’s found a new place to fill with her icky thoughts now. And, if you know me, the new URL is not that hard to find. (Not that you’d want to find it.)

It was fun being guitarchic for a while. c”,)

So. Yeah. Long post ahead.

Some people have been asking me how it’s like, you know, to have it. And since I have not seen any H1N1-positive around who had the courage to say something about it online, I thought, perhaps I could be the first. Besides, after last week’s post, I’m not sure how I can transition back to my giddy self in this blog without saying anything about this “hysteria” (if I may quote someone) that I caused.

* * *

Did you really have H1N1, Riz? Yes, I was tested positive for it.

I remember how my client even joked about feeling “starstruck” for having known someone who has The Virus. Yeah, I’m so cool.

Now I honestly believe that the 500+ recorded Filipinos who were tested positive for H1N1 were listed there because they dared to know that they have H1N1. Certainly there are others who didn’t bother being tested, because they didn’t feel sick enough. And certainly, others were probably sent back home by their doctors, because they weren’t exposed to someone who’s confirmed to have H1N1 anyway — just like what happened to me at Medical City. If I trusted that Medical City doctor‘s judgment, I would’ve gotten away, blissfully ignorant about the virus that I carried.

As a matter of fact, I think it can happen. You can have it, be cured from it by normal flu medicines and vitamin C, and not even know.

Anyway, case in point, another Atenean friend experienced flu-like symptoms after being exposed to J (the H1N1-positive friend I was referring to in the previous post). Plus, there was an outbreak in Ateneo too. Same as me, he went to the Lung Center to have himself tested, but, seeing the looong, scary-looking line of facemask-clad patients in the H1N1 Triage, he thought of alternatives. He made a quick call to his family doctor to ask if he really should still have himself tested, after all, he didn’t have fever anymore. His doctor scolded him for even going there, told him to go home immediately and just take vitamin C. He didn’t even leave his car anymore. He U-turned and left. He doesn’t have the flu anymore now.

Seriously though, I feel like you’ll get yourself even more sick lining up at LCP. It’s chaotic there! I remember coming back two days after I got myself tested. I got a call from the doctor telling me that my test was positive, and I had to come back to get my medication. You’d think they would give better attention to patients who were already tested positive, but no, after informing the attendant that I was already positive, she made me line up for 2 hours, along with other people who weren’t even tested yet. If H1N1 was really that contagious, then whatduhheck are these doctors and attendants doing, *knowingly* letting untested people to be exposed to confirmed H1N1 patients! Submitting yourself for H1N1-testing is a surefire way to be even more exposed to H1N1, indeed.

I really should’ve just followed my doctor-friend’s instructions — it’s okay not to get tested, just stay home and overdose on Vitamin C, after all, it’s going to go away just like the normal flu anyway.

But my conscience got the best of me. I had to get myself tested. I felt responsible for “causing hysteria“, hence I was willing to take the test, if only to prove that people need to stop being paranoid about being exposed to me, or being exposed to someone, who was exposed to someone, who was exposed to me. (Pede ba?!)

OR, at least if I was tested positive, I’d be able to get TamiFlu for my Mom and R, because they were the ones I was exposed to the most, and I didn’t want them to be sick (or be feared of) because of me. Apparently, these TamiFlu tablets, which used to be available over-the-counter, are not available that way anymore because as it turns out, they’re the only prescribed H1N1 medication. The government seemed to have secured all the available stocks of TamiFlu, and now you could only get it IF you’re tested positive. They give TamiFlu to people who are regularly exposed to H1N1-positive patients as well (i.e. family members), as preventive measure.

I wanted to get my hands on those TamiFlus. That’s why I submitted myself in for testing.

* * *

How does it feel like? Physically, it didn’t even feel like I had it.

I guess the worst part was on the first day, when I first had fever, as I narrated in the previous post. Medical City diagnosed me incorrectly, sending me home to take paracetamol when they could’ve detected right there and then that it was H1N1 that was making me fever-ish. The fever lasted two days, tops.

I didn’t have fever anymore when I got myself tested at the Lung Center. I was already feeling perfectly normal when I got the call confirming that I was positive. I coughed once in a while, and that’s it.

Not to be such a know-it-all when it comes to H1N1, but I’m saying these as I experienced it. It may be a different case for other people, but so far, the ones that I know of, and the ones I got to chat with while lined up at LCP, were joking about the same thing — “That’s it? That’s H1N1?”

Like I told some of my close friends, I think the effect of H1N1 on me was more of emotional, rather than physical. And maybe psychological.

It made me depressed for quite a few days to know that people are afraid to be exposed to me, when I know in my heart that I was healthy and there’s nothing to be afraid of. Much more, that people are wearing face masks because someone was exposed to someone, who was exposed to someone, who was exposed to me. (Ugh, you get the drift.)

But now I think I know why DOH keeps our names confidential. And why people choose to not let the others know that they have the dreaded virus. (Or why H1N1 patients and potential carriers don’t just blog about it like I did, heh.)

Because people get scared and paranoid. They get scared of the virus, and of you.

Sure, the Department of Health has all the reasons to have you quarantined.  But I say, that’s the most awful part of being confirmed to have H1N1. It’s an awful feeling to “cause hysteria”. It’s awful to have people get scared of being exposed to you and anyone who’s exposed to you.

So I pray you don’t get H1N1, not because it’s going to kill you, but because you don’t want to have the awful feeling of being avoided. You don’t want the awful feeling of causing your loved ones to be quarantined too, not because they’re sick, but because they’re exposed to you. Oh, and that part where you have to line up at some hospital for hours, that part is just.. stressful.

I went with R yesterday, first to LCP, but seeing how the line to the H1N1 Triage has tripled, and people were impatient and scrambling for medical attention and fighting each other and cursing at the doctors for their super-slow process, we left and went to Medical City instead.

In the 4 hours we were at the waiting area of Medical City’s Triage, I witnessed ambulances arriving, one after another (I counted 8 in the span of 3 hours), carrying trauma patients — some unconscious, some struggling to breathe, some had tubes stuck on their throats. There were a lot of non-H1N1 patients there. One patient sitting one row away from me in the waiting area fainted right there, immediately alerting the doctors and nurses, putting her on top of the priority list. There were stretchers and wheel chairs. There were face masks, but not everyone had to wear them. (You see, not even in hospital waiting areas are people required to wear face masks.) People just keep coming in and out of the Triage. Some had to stand up because there weren’t any seats left. The lines to the cashiers were long.

As for us, we were at the bottom of the list because we didn’t need immediate medical attention. We didn’t have fever, even. When R finally had his turn, the doctor asked a few questions, and having known that he already took TamiFlu, he was released immediately. They didn’t even bother letting him take a swab test (the test you need to take to know if you have H1N1). He was informed that he can get his medical certificate in two more days. All those hours of waiting for nothing.

And that is just my point. H1N1 has been too sensationalized that you forget that there are far worse cases than H1N1.

And to fear being exposed to H1N1 is just crazy. I know I didn’t want to be exposed to it, but now that I had this experience, my views have been changed entirely.

H1N1 is everywhere already, no need to be scared of people like me. Or people who got exposed to people like me. You get exposed to it in the same way you take the MRT everyday and sit next to someone who has Tuberculosis. The same way you get exposed to Malaria while eating at the school cafeteria, or hanging out at the park or a carinderia with lots of mosquitoes. Same way you get exposed to second-hand smoke while buying from Burger Machine, just ’cause smokers like to hangout in that place. Btw, I know someone who will undergo an operation because she developed some sickness due to second-hand smoke. While she doesn’t smoke herself, she lives in a house with smokers and has been exposed to second-hand smoke for years. You should be afraid of second-hand smoke more than H1N1!

My point is, there are other scarier things than being exposed to H1N1, people. Take it from me. I didn’t vomit blood or anything weird like that. I wasn’t confined, even. I was around friends just before I got myself tested for H1N1 and none of them was infected. My Mom and R weren’t infected, even.

Now if, for some reason, you happened to have gotten H1N1, the chances of dying from it are less than the chances of dying from Malaria, or the normal flu. So relax. Besides, the DOH has got you covered. They’d even give you free TamiFlus. ;)

* * *

Finally, some open letters.

Dear Medical City, You guys made me spend over 10,000php in consultation fees, blood tests, and medication in the past month, but none of those cured me. I can’t help but wish you do refunds.

Dear Lung Center, Don’t get me wrong, I have high regards for your doctors and their heroism, attending to H1N1 candidates day in and out, even the ones who are just paranoid. I just hope that more doctors will realize the need for help in the H1N1 Triage, instead of having just one or two, as the line of people is growing looonger every day. I think the process should be faster and more organized, like separating the H1N1-positive people from those who are still under observation. Other than that, I salute you guys!

Dear Former USAP Colleagues, face masks are given to people who are already sick. Like I said earlier in this post, even in the Triage Area of Medical City, you wouldn’t be required to wear face masks unless you have fever or cough. Face masks are given to sick people so they won’t spread their virus. To give a bunch of healthy people face masks to protect them from getting sick is just absurd, especially since no one in your midst was a confirmed H1N1 patient anyway. The trick to avoid H1N1 is to take vitamins, stay healthy, eat the right foods, get the right amount of sleep, etc — in short, mind your body’s resistance, not wear face masks or avoid people who were exposed to someone with H1N1. :)

* * *

One last thing, getting H1N1 has made me appreciate life, and health, and the value of Vitamin C, and friends who don’t mind being exposed to you even when you’re tested positive for a disease that has made the whole world tremble at the sound of its name. (Thanks Mae, I really appreciate the visit.)

Having kept away from people and being left to myself has given me another *special* opportunity to think and to reassess life and to appreciate friendships, and to be still and trust that God knows what He’s doing in my life. If only for these things, I’m glad things happened the way they did.

I knoooooow.

Dude. I know.

I know what you’re thinking, because I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

I could be carrying the virus too.

Ohmyalskdfja;lkdsjfalkdsfja;lkd.

(The DOH has been very particular about not disclosing the names of these patients, so for the sake of anonymity, let’s just call my friend “J”. I don’t mind being called “R” when it’s my turn to be in your story, k? K! LOL.)

J was with us both Saturday and Sunday. At one point he even joked about having swine flu because, well, he’s an FEU student, and he was basically right in the middle of that outbreak when it happened. But when he started having high fever Sunday night, he couldn’t joke no more. He was brought to the hospital for check-up Monday afternoon and was tested for AH1N1, a standard procedure imposed on FEU students who are experiencing flu-like symptoms. He was sent home, and his family was advised to overdose on Vitamins C.

Tuesday morning, I woke up chilling with fever, and while I normally wouldn’t bother, paranoia brought me to Medical City because I desperately wanted to rule out the possibility.

Now there are two questions added to the standard spill for walk-in patients in the light of this ongoing epidemic: (1) Do you have any history of travel? and (2) Were you exposed to anyone who’s confirmed to have AH1N1?

Only if you answered YES to any of the two questions will they consider you an AH1N1 candidate. (Which kinda sucks, I mean, what if you’re not aware that you were exposed?)

And it didn’t help, too, that I was assigned to a doctor who wasn’t in the mood to be helpful.

Doc: Were you exposed to anyone who’s confirmed to have AH1N1?
Riz: Well, my friend was recently tested for it but we’re still waiting for results.
Doc: Yeah, I was only asking for confirmed cases. Were you exposed to anyone who’s confirmed… (repeats the question)
Riz: Not yet confirmed doc, but my friend..
Doc: Confirmed ba o hindi?
Riz: No.
Doc: Okay, you go take biogesic…

Blech.

Anywayyy, the doctor, after some x-ray and blood test, only prescribed me antibiotics (no viral infection, only bacterial), and paracetamol.

By Friday I was already feeling better. J was already feeling better too — like me, no more fever, just cough.

But then, today, we heard the news. If the latest count to AH1N1 cases in the Philippines was 92, then as of a few hours ago, another case was just added to that. Our friend.

I know that by posting this, people would, most likely, start avoiding me/us for being potential AH1N1 carriers. :p But I’m blogging this anyway because I suddenly feel burdened to tell people that, take it from me, it’s not as monstrous as we all thought it to be.

It’s a strain of flu, not some vampire-venom that will make us run around like bloody zombies ala 28-days ready to devour our next victims. It takes the same symptoms of a normal flu, only, this one spreads faster. (Actually, they say more people die from the normal flu than from AH1N1.) You don’t even have to be in a hospital to recover. My friend, J, went through all of this in the comforts of his home, and not one of his family was infected, even. Also, if you’re curious, J was prescribed to take Tamiflu for the next 5 days (Go google it up!), not exactly a rare extract from the mountains of Timbuktu, but a normal over-the-counter flu medication.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying AH1N1 should be ignored. I’m saying, we have to stop being scared of it. The best way to cure it is to be immuned to it, they say. Overdose on Vitamins, drink lots of fluid, sleep 6-8 hours a day. As long as you keep your resistence up, you can be in a room ful of vampires AH1N1 patients and you won’t get infected. (A doctor friend I consulted prior to blogging this instructed me to take 10 tablets of Vit.C — 5 in the morning, 5 in the evening — and 4 liters of water a day.)

Now, if, by any chance, you start feeling any flu-like symptoms even after taking all the preventive measures, then don’t be scared to seek medical attention right away.

I gave up my Hong Kong trip because I didn’t want to be exposed to AH1N1, when apparently, it’s closer to me than I thought. But hey, I’m not scared of it anymore. You shouldn’t too. :)

It was kind of strange to be coughing like crazy on the week of my birthday, thank God for loved ones who didn’t mind being exposed to my virus to celebrate my 26th birthday with me. Now if the theme of my 25th birthday was good will and remembering childhood, this year, it was surprises — big and small, my entire week was just so full of them.

I didn’t think I’d enjoy being in the receiving end of surprises as I’ve often been the one staging the surprise, but for once, it actually felt good to have family and friends who went the extra mile to remind me (over again) that I am loved.

[You can stop reading here and jump 3 pharagraphs, because I'm gona blabber about people you don't know next, and I can't guarantee that you can relate.]

On the eve of my birthday, my brother and Mom dropped by my condo with a cake my brother made himself, and some chocolate chip ice cream which I didn’t get to eat anyway because my throat chose this week of all weeks to not cooperate (but hey, it’s the thought that counts). A few minutes after Kuya Niks and Mum left, someone dingdong-ed and left me a bouquet of pink roses. ♥

My birthday dinner was nothing short of overwhelming too, with my nieces (Yna, Nicole, Koreen, Hazel and Bea) acting as sous chefs to my brother who cooked a hearty dinner for my family, and a few friends. Sct. Lascano (Kamuning) has undoubtedly become a second-home, thanks to Ninong Dave and Ninang Sweets who have always opened their doors for us, and willingly invited me (lol) to my birthday dinner. :)

Fastforward to the day after my birthday, Ivy dropped by the condo with some pizza, Kuya Nate and Ate Imy passed by shortly after, followed by Jasper who drove by for a late night coffee with Ivy and me. Yes, bumabawi. And just when I was about to call it a night, Joni dropped by way past midnight to hand me her gift.

(Sometimes) I love having people drop by my place, uninvited. :) (And I say sometimes, because often, my condo is a mess, and I tell you, you don’t want to see that messy side of me.) Having people around makes this place feel even more like home. It’s not like a NY condo for sale alright, but it’s home nonetheless.

I wish I have photos to show you, but since I have been physically powerless (fine, or was just plain lazy), I chose to just focus on enjoying the moments rather than preserving them. I mean sure, these things may be ordinary — friends drop by anytime anyway, and Thursday nights in Lascano is not exactly unusual, and my brother cook dinner for us all the time. But I turned twennyyysix years old. I think that’s what made the ordinary things extra-ordinary.

And I kind of think that the people you spend your days with in your late twennys are the ones you get to spend the rest of your life with. And I’m glad. God’s been sooo good to me, my family is awesome, I have a wonderful support group behind me (circle of trust, yo!), and a bunch of amaaziiing friends (online and offline) to help me through the day. I think I’m all set. :)

Lastly, at the risk of sounding like I won an Oscar award, I just like to say, thank you everyone..

For my facebook (sorta) fan page, and all the wall messages and PMs. I know I promised to respond to each and every one of them, and I *still* intend too, really. I know I’m not really the type to remember birthdays of random acquaintances and old friends I’ve lost in touch with over the years, and I feel bad, because now being the recepient of these beautiful words from all you, I can say for a fact that each message counts. I am just overwhelmed how people (even the ones I never expected) took time to drop an FB message, or a tweet, or a flickr comment, or a text. You’re all super.

For the special SEOPH birthday thread, I’m surprised these guys still remember, thank you. :)

For the special blog greetings, Ivy, Jody, and Jeline, thank you.  ♥

For the lovely dinner, Ninong Dave, Ninang Sweets and company (Xaris! You’re the best!), thank you.

For all the surprises, Mom, my brothers, Ate Imy, Ivy, Jasper, Joni, thank you.

(Okkaayy, I’m done with my thank you speech now.)

Finally, I heard somewhere that love does not come everyday, so you have to grab it when you get a chance. I wouldn’t exactly agree on that one. I think love does come everyday, sometimes you just have to open your eyes wider to see. ^_^

Yay to twennyyysix loovely years. :)

I love beautiful accidents. Lately, I’m inspired by *imperfect* photographs, that’s why, even though I’ve been using a DSLR, I have a tendency to post-process my shots to look faded, and grainy, and blurred, and vintage-y and abstract. There’s just something beautiful about imperfection, don’t you think? :)

Take this photo for example.

30/365: Two hours to landing; hurry back to our timezone please?, originally uploaded by gchic.

There’s a lot of stories to this photo. (Look closely, that’s David Archuleta singing on stage when I took this, see the resemblance? lol, seriously). I just love the thought of having stories behind bokehs and colors and blurs.

Tonight, I went to watch David Cook and David Archuleta’s back-to-back concert here in Manila, by accident, just coz my cousin asked me last minute if I want to chaperon a bunch of teenager-nieces (who are crazy about Archie) with her. So I went, and I happened to have carried with me a defective Sony Cybershot (incidentally, I found out a few months ago that I was one of them lucky Sony customers to have in possession one of those defective Sony cameras that have abnormal internal vibration, how lucky serendipitous is that, IKR).

But what do you know, the internal vibration actually kinda worked to my advantage tonight. I loooove all the messy, overexposed, blurry shots I took, they looked as if they came out from a roll of film, or a lomographic camera. (Hah! No DSLR can ever take photos like those!) Which is probably how I’m gonna remember this night. Blurry, serendipitous, beautifully accidental (or accidentally beautiful, take your pick).

Sure, I’ll always remember that I got to do something really special with these people I love one summer night in 2009. Sure, I’ll remember Koreen’s 15th birthday, and Yna’s extended summer vacation here in Manila. Sure, I’ll remember David Cook and David Archuleta, and their anti-climactic concert ending (ughhh, we wanted more!), and how of-all-songs they chose NOT to sing Time of my Life, which would’ve made Yna and Koreen’s day. Well, make that a duet, then we can all die now.

And sure, I’ll remember losing my wallet sometime during intermission (ahhh, the awfuuul feeling of having lost all my important Identification cards!), calling my Mom to block my Citibank credit card in case my wallet was snatched, and, after taking chances at looking around and re-tracing the spots in the huuuuge MOA concert grounds that I passed by, wheeeww, getting my wallet back. Thank God!!

(To the angel who came to us to return my wallet, I never got the chance to know your name, BUT THANK YOU. You are heaven-sent. I hope somehow, you land in this page and see how grateful I am.)

Well, the rest of the events tonight will all probably be blurry. Like the photos in this album. Sorry you won’t see any of the two Davids there, but I think that’s kinda the point. The night was for Yna, Koreen, Hazel, Bea, Ninang Sweets and Moi. I guess it just helped that we had some beautiful soundtrack in the background while the night was happening. ♥

I don’t know what happened to me but suddenly, the emo-era is back and I find myself seeing the most emo things in photographs, and song lyrics, and cloudless skies, and old, empty suitcases,

and this just a few hours ago, wounded fingers.

11/365 My soul is in the sky, originally uploaded by gchic.

[Some note: This blog post is totally unrelated to the photo, except that flying and crying are two things I don't mind being caught dead doing. So yeah, the connection stops right here.]

Tonight, while cutting potatoes to cook for dinner (yes, I do cook my own dinner contrary to what most of you would think), I cut my left thumb with a kitchen knife. And it was an awfully deep cut because I happened to be cutting with force when the knife slid on my poor thumb.

Now I grew up to believe that the first thing to do when you get a cut is to make it bleed to get as much germs out. So I did, and for the first few seconds, I did it with such bravery I never thought I had. Soon enough, however, I succumbed to the sight of dripping blood and how the cut seemed to *not* stop bleeding.

And so I cried. I let out one nasty, hearty, hysterical cry. While my blood was dripping on my kitchen floor. With bloody tissue papers scattered everywhere from the kitchen floor to the bathroom sink.

If only my camera and tripod were set up, this would’ve been one helluva flickr-moment. And the title would be something that could pass up as suicidal.

But like I said over twitter and FB, while it hurt like crazy, and left me forever traumatized by the sight of potatoes and kitchen knives, I was kinda thankful to have an excuse to cry.

I honestly think I wasn’t just crying over my bloody finger. Now that I think about it, it somehow feels more like being able to find an excuse to release all these pent-up frustrations about life out of my chest. After all, I haven’t cried in a long while. (That is, not counting that night we stopped whatever it was we’re doing out of the blue, sat down, clasped our hands, and prayed.)

I feel awful blogging about this crazy encounter with a kitchen knife. Why does it feel so uncool to admit you’re a crybaby these days? (Isn’t it an accepted fact that crying is a sign of courage anymore?)

At the risk of being branded uncool, I just have to say.. it actually feels good to cry. Even if it costs some trauma, and a deep cut.

Hey, it’s okay to have some drama in your life, come on. You don’t have to pretend you’re tough (and happy, ugh) all the time.

* * *

Also, yes, I have this renewed habit of shifting from “I” to “we” in the middle of paragraphs, just because I think *we* is such a beautiful word.

1/365 Because I’m inspired by all you people,, originally uploaded by gchic.

I must be crazy, thinking I can do this when I couldn’t even keep with posting a photo once a week.

But blaah, Click Happy Friday was sooo 10-years-ago, and things are different now. So I committed myself to Project 365 in hopes that after 365 days, my love affair with photography would have brought me somewhere.

So yay, come fly by flickr, you know, if twitter and facebook ain’t enough for you to stalk me. (Haha an invitation to stalk me? I’m sooo funny.)

Where were you people last weekend? Thanks for fleeing the city and leaving us to enjoy it. Hee. :)

Anyway, I’m not going to rant today for a change, instead, I’m inviting you to go places with me, at least virtually. :)

Since we’re all back to our office cubicles now (or NOT, haha! I meant, YOU’re all back to your office cubicles, LOL), I’m inviting you to browse through your stock photos, find that one place you want to go back to this very minute, then put the words, “Let’s find some beautiful place to get lost” on it, then post it up.

As for me, my happy place is Wollongong, I’d give anything to be transported back to that place again RIGHT NOW, if only I could. How about you? Where’s your happy place? :)

BTW, those words are not mine, I’m not sure exactly who did it first, this is just me, responding to her invitation. :)

Tagging: Joni, Meemae, Aileen, Des, Liz, Ivy, and anyone who wants to do it. ♥

For what it’s worth, I stopped blogging birthday greetings long ago because I ran out of beautiful things to say to people I love. But just for today, I’m making an exception. Because I think someone like you deserve an entire post (albeit delayed) instead of just a comment in your blog.

So hey girlfriend, in behalf of all those people whom you oh-so-thoughtfully remember on their birthdays, here’s a delayed birthday greeting to OUR Jody. :)

I wish I have a copy of *that* one polaroid of us.

I hope you don’t mind delayed birthday greetings.

Also, I’ve been meaning to say — go “hide under the covers” and shoo us all away anytime you want, it’s alright. Just know that at the end of the day, you’ll always have love everywhere you go. c”,)

Stay sweet and thoughtful.

♥, Mami Riz

Like Msbeng‘s thoughts-out-loud. I once admitted to her that I lurk in her blog to read her devotions everytime I fail to do mine. *ack*

And Aileen‘s travels, most specially her journals about New York — they make me feel like being transported back to that place, as if I’m experiencing her journey myself.

I think Meemae is a better version of Last Leaf — more spunk, more guts, more heart. And if only Kuya Aleks blogged more, I’d be one avid and happy lurker.

I don’t know about these people but I seem to be having a hard time writing from the heart these days, “from the heart” being the operative phrase. My drafts folder has become a daily dump of frustrations. It’s often easy to start something off, but difficult to finish it.

I still can’t believe sometimes that I’m the same person who would blog her heart out there, unabashed. And not just blog! I’d fight and love and wear my heart on my sleeve and express myself like crazy, and I didn’t mind if people watched me.

So maybe those emo-days are over, and maybe life is less of a melodrama, but the funny thing is, I’m actually missing that younger version of me. Will I ever be like her again?

* * *

On another note, you know how it’s like in the movies when one encounters a near-death experience and life suddenly flashes before his eyes? In real life, those are much likely to happen not in your dying moments, but in times when you feel most alive. Or when you’re going through something you don’t get to go through everyday. Or when you’re in transit.

I remember the few times it happened to me.

I was on my flight to Los Angeles from New York, ending my 6-day NYC adventure. There aboard the plane, belted to my seat looking out to the window, a montage of images — of Broadway, Central Park, the subway, Staten Island ferry, South Street Sea Port, Times Square, Serendipity Cafe, Brooklyn bridge, and other places in New York I was fortunate enough to experience — reeled in slow motion in my head. It was as if my mind’s way of relishing the events one last time, boxing them up to make room for new ones.

And then it happened on the trip back home from Sydney. (But I won’t bore you with the details now because it’s a longer list. Heh.)

So it happened to me again just recently, with flashbacks that included almost three years worth of corporate drama. Has it been a month already since? (And yes, there’s a longer blog post about this somewhere in my drafts, boo.)

I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to leave behind a comfort zone in exchange for something new and unsure, but yay I actually did it. And now, the excitement (and uncertainty) is killing me.

But hey, it’s time to chase dreams. And this time, I’m gonna let my heart lead the way. ♥

*image from Michelle Bower