Past Life

There’s always something to remind me of those dreams — of flying out of this country and starting my career off from scratch in a place where I can be anyone I want to be because no one knows me.

There’s the KC Concepcion documentary about her life in Paris. Or Ala Parades‘ chronicles on their new life in the land of the Oz. Or this girl (let’s leave her anonymous hehe) whose blog I always lurk on, who went to England to take graduate studies, and eventually work. Or movies like Devil Wears Prada (okay, I just had to say that one). And the constant talk among friends about Sydney, Singapore, and New York. My heart beats doubletime every time I think of flying away, anxious because I feel like there’s something I have to do to pursue those dreams and I’m not doing anything about it because I’m too scared.

I turn 25 this year, and the constant desire for a change in environment, for an adventure, for something new, is just something I couldn’t deny even to myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just need a break, but I feel that I need more than just that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love what I do. And God knows how thankful I am to be where I am at this point in my life.

It’s just that lately, my prayers involve a lot of, “please make me desire going out of this country less if this is not Your will for me” or “please make me bloom, regardless if I stay in this country or not.” You get what I’m saying?

Oh whoosh. I’m monologuing again. :) I guess all I’m trying to say is..

Watch me fly. Soon. Literally or figuratively, we’ll see. :)

I’ve looked everywhere — Odyssey outlets, music bars, department stores, etc — for any of Kendall Payne‘s albums, to my own dismay. I even got some of my friends involved in the search, but unsuccessful we all were.

So imagine my delight when a package was delivered to my apartment last week, all the way from Staten Island. Yep, all three of them. *jump, jump* (Thanks, boyfriend, you’re super!)

So yeah. Since then, my playlist includes three albums worth of Kendall Payne: Paper Skin, Grown, and Jordin’s Sister. Happiness does come in small packages, huh. :)

I didn’t know that Kendall Payne’s a Gospel singer. I first got interested when I heard her song “Scratch” from a Grey’s Anatomy episode, and “Not Afraid to be Me,” also from GA. I later learned that she’s also the voice behind Felicity and Never Been Kissed’s soundtracks. I loooove her. Although she can be very well known in the pop slash country-music arena, a few of her songs have an obvious Godward message in them. Like her song Aslan, which, I reckon, was inspired by CS Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, where Aslan (the lion) symbolizes the Savior and the power of good.

So anyway. Enough blabbers.

There goes one little wish granted for me. This year, a lot of dreams will come true. Let’s start with the little ones. :)

Just to let you in on what’s happening in this wonderful, wonderful life of mine (it IS wonderful, mind you), I’m currently threading another crossroad — one I never thought I’d find myself in at this point in my life.

..and I’m excited and scared and restless. As if I’ve never been more sure and more uncertain at the same time. Seth Godin hit the nail hard in the head when he said, “if it doesn’t cost your life, it isn’t a quest.”

I’m thinking it through, weighing things down, waiting for the right signals. But one thing for sure — I’m turning 25 this year, and a quest is just what I need.

Today, I took a break and had coffee without sugar. I’ve never had coffee without sugar in my life, until now. And let me just say that I hate it. I hate how it tastes — its bitterness leaving this annoying after-taste in my tongue that I could not get rid off even after gulping mug-fulls of water.

But I drank it still, taking it all in because I thought it was about time to learn to like what’s unlike-able. I had to know how far I’d go without sugar — how I’d live without depending too much on the sugary taste that I’ve gotten so used to.

You see, life is like that. It’s not all sugar and spice and everything nice. Once in a while, you have to learn to live with the bitterness and the un-wanted things that come with life (also, to accept things you can’t change, and not attempt to change things you can’t accept).

I’d like to preserve a memory in this post. Something that will keep thugging at my heart for sure, but one which I’m determined to accept, to leave behind, and eventually, forget, by God’s grace.

After all, I know that a few more mugs of water will wash the bitterness away.