I’m stressed. (Ok, Ganns, you got that one right.) And I’m hurting. And it’s sad that sometimes, the very thing that used to unload your stress, or the very thing that protects you from pain, becomes The main source of pain.
I’ve tried a lot of ways to deal with pain, trust me. I’ve done drinking (ain’t gona happen again), wasting away money over unnecessary shopping, wallowing in depression and ranting about it over coffee with girlfriends, getting myself overly preoccupied with work, feasting on carbs and junkfood over some chickflick marathon.. you get the picture. In the long run, however, I’ve learned that nothing really cures pain more than this: to be still, be acquainted with that deep longing inside, and know, in spite not understanding, in spite not having a full grasp of the picture, that He is God.
It’s not the easiest road to take. Sometimes you wish there’s some medicine that you just have to take and all the pain will simply go away. Sometimes you feel that it’s less painful to be distracted with other things, than trust a God you can’t see or understand. But a time just comes when you know there’s no point concealing it, no point pretending you’re okay when you’re not.
This afternoon, I faced pain head on, no turning back. It wasn’t easy, opening up wounds that never did mend, allowing frustration to sink in, and acknowledging the reality that there are things that just.. can’t be. And it hurts big time. It involves a lot of crying, and a lot of shouting inside an empty apartment, and a lot of questioning if God hears.
For the first time in a long while, I wanted something so bad and I know I couldn’t have it.
I’ve never cried as much as I did this afternoon since I last cried because of losing Dad. But this I have to admit.. there’s something about being at your weakest that’s painfully liberating. As if you’re left with no choice but to draw strength from within (because you can’t get it anywhere else), and to trust God that He knows what He’s doing (because you can’t really trust yourself), and you cling on to Him, and you don’t let go.
No need to explain further. I shall always remember this day.
Meanwhile, I’ve put some responsibilities on hold long enough. I have a lot of blogging to do.