If Only I Have One of those Babylon Candles

October 30th, 2007 § 8

…I’d light it up, close my eyes, think of home (wherever home is), and fly as far away from here as possible in a heartbeat.

Yvaine, dear Yvaine.. I know how it feels. You wake up from a shallow sleep, and for one moment you wonder where you are and why in the world you’re there. You know you should be in a place where there are no worries, no pain, no fears — yep, that place where all that’s required of you is to shine. But no matter how much you want to go back, deep inside you know that there’s a reason why you are where you are and you have to get through it so you can find your way home.

Image from the movie, Stardust.

So I just woke up from a powernap — one I needed to take because I was feeling tired and stressed and sulky — and these happened to be my first thoughts: stars, babylon candles, pirate ships, and being anywhere but here. (Just lovely, Riz). So much for watching emo films that have the word “star” in them huh. Have I become such a loser? Is there anyone else out there who thinks it’s normal to be feeling the way I do right now? I’m oversensitive. I overanalyze things. I worry about the future. I care so much about expectations. I cry over random things. I want to be anywhere but where I am. I hate myself and I often wish I’m not.. ME. Pretty problematic, huh.

Worse is, I rant endlessly to the boyfriend and the girlfriend about things I cannot change. And sometimes, I become cranky too. Which is weird (and sad) because come to think of it, I’m living a comfortable life, I’m blessed, and I’m loved. At least I know it’s something remotely similar to how she feels. (I’m not alone, yay me!) But I also know that this is beyond PMS or QLC. That this is beyond me. That at one point, this too shall pass, but until then, I need to have the courage and the patience to endure.

Ergo, I try to entertain myself. I think of myself as Yvaine, a star who fell down from heavens. And as I try to figure out how to fly back to the starry skies, someone appears in front of me with a babylon candle. (If you haven’t seen Stardust, the babylon candle allows one to travel wherever he/she wishes. “The fastest way to travel is by candlelight,” Una said.) I can finally fly home.

If only fairy tales are real and I have in my possession one of those babylon candles, I think I know exactly where I want to fly to right now. Three places.

Sydney. Four years of planning and praying to go to Hillsong, still to no avail. But a dream will always remain a dream, and if it was indeed God who placed this dream in my heart four years ago, it will continue to grow in me until its completion. My mind is set, and every year God gives me more reasons to believe that I shall see Sydney in His own perfect time.

New York. Never have I thought of flying to New York until now. It was never part of the plan. My mind says it’s a scary, distant, and unknown place, but a big part of my heart is in New York. If only to find out if my heart is meant to stay there, I’d travel halfway across the world to see for myself.

Heaven. I’d love to see God, and my Dad. I’d love to experience how it’s like to be all free from sorrow and pain. I’d love to get a glimpse of heaven, just so I have a picture of what I’m looking forward to, and what I’m living this life for.



But of course. Of course. At the end of the day, there is no babylon candle. And the only way I could reach Sydney or New York is if I work hard and pray even harder. And the only way I could reach heaven is if I already accomplished what I was made to do here on earth, or attempt suicide — which I won’t do, of course, because life is too precious.

Gah. Would I sound too icky-emo if I say that perhaps I don’t need a babylon candle, after all? That maybe, I can bring Sydney, New York, and heaven where I am — like, right here, right now? Hmm.


Here’s one of the things I love about blogging. I’m feeling so much better now.

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