Past Life

A little less than 2 days left before the year ends, would you look at that. In a few hours, together with my extended family, I shall say good bye to 2007. “Will you be in church on Sunday?,” Jovan, a friend, asked me the other day. I answered, “Of course. I want to be there when SBC bids 2007 goodbye.” :)

Year 2007, what can I say. 2007 brought me victories and accomplishments I never thought were possible at this point in my life. There were new (and overwhelming) opportunities, responsibilities, and commitments that were beyond my expectations. Of course there were heartbreaks, sacrifices, and losses as well — which brought about one leap of faith after another, spiritual highs and lows, and answered prayers.

And then there was love — an overflow of it in various forms and ways.

It’s a beautiful year, indeed. And by beautiful, I mean a lot of things — things I may not be able to give justice to because even if I try confining them into words, I would only end up robbing them off their true beauty.

Now just so I have some sort of a format, I’m doing an old blog meme I did two years ago, which I’m modifying now to capture the real highlights of the year that (soon-to-be) was. Here are some of my best posts for year 2007, grouped by month, with copy-pasted excerpts (because I’m too lazy to make summaries hehe). Join me as I wrap the year up. :)

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So how’s your Christmas? :)

Mine was fast, I almost didn’t notice it. (I mean, I only noticed it now that I’m back in the office like a zombie after the pseudo Christmas break — I swear, I go like, “man that was fast” every now and then). It was different, to say the least, as it was our first Christmas without Dad. Like I said before, there will always be that empty seat, and I will always miss my Dad especially in occasions such as this. There’s a combination of sadness and joy remembering last Christmas, yes, but I’m thankful because I feel as if there’s some sort of a force-field around me this Christmas season, protecting me from any depressive attacks due to excessively missing my Dad, thus making this Christmas tear-less for me. God is good.

Anyway. I know it’s three days too late to be making yet again another Christmas list, but whatdaheck, Christmas happens only once, you can never have enough lists. So even though Christmas has come and gone already, here’s an addition to my beyond-budget Christmas wishlist (which I probably won’t be able to get myself UNTIL next Christmas, haha). Not that I’m complaining, really. I’m happy enough completing my shopping list, and giving away gifts for everyone. There’s much greater joy in that. :)

But of course, beyond the material things, one needs to have wishes that are.. intangible.

So this Christmas, I wish..

..to have a sense of direction, to decipher the road signs being sent my way and take the right turns and course of action without wasting time;

..to have the courage to do what should be done — to get out of my comfort zone if need be, or to have the patience to stay if it’s not yet time to go;

..to have peace of mind even in times when I can’t see what’s at the end of the road;

..to be more trusting and less pessimistic, to talk less and listen more, to plan less and act more;

..to have more time doing the things I love, at my own pace, at my own time.

..to be mindful of the more important things in this life — investments, relationships, family, the people I love, God;

..to be able to support more missionaries, holistic ministries and outreaches, both financially and in prayers;

..to have a fruitful coming year, after all I’ll be turning 25;

..to spend more time with my family.

..to go places.

I’m talking in riddles again, I know. But, well, these are my heart’s desires. I pray God desires these for me too. ;)

As an end to this post, here’s a song that I always love playing even when it’s not December (composed by Kuya Reeve, a dear friend, and sung by Sheila Juan, one of my girlfriends from college), which I post now because December’s almost over, and I don’t want to wait another 12 months before I could have a chance to share it with you guys. Hehe.

Now if I would dedicate this song to anyone, I’d dedicate it to those whose hearts are full of hope. I wish you find joy and love this Christmas in the simplest of things. :) Enjoy the rest of the holidays, everyone! :)

Lyrics after the jump.

[audio:https://past.chasingdreams.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/december-dawn.mp3]
December Dawn by Reeve | Download MP3.

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Three hours to Christmas here in the Philippines, yay. I’m sure you’re all busy with a lot of things — as I am. (I’m in a family reunion as I type this. Boo.) But here’s me taking a break for a few minutes from all the festivities to wish everyone happy holidays. So yeah.

Blessings to you and your family. Merry Christmas! :)

I can’t believe I’m listing resolutions three weeks too early (or 11 months too late, however you’d want to look at it). It’s just that.. I’m kind of hating myself right now. And I have to stop for a while, reflect, take things down, and refocus, before I start hurting more people around me. If you know what I’m talking about.

Coz you see, during the course of trying so hard to be responsible and trying to protect the people I love, I start to lose myself. And I realize that if I continue being so, I’d eventually lose everything I hold dear to my heart.

And let me just say that it’s tragic, reading pages and pages of blogs and journal entries bearing the same thoughts — the same resolutions — through the years. You thought you were still young at 23, that you’ve become more matured a year after, but actually, you’ve been whining about the same things then and now. It’s as if you’ve never really learned.

I need to grow up, and fast. Hence, this list of year-end resolutions. I know a list is not going to change anything, but here’s to remind myself, with everyone as my witness, that some major overhaul is going to happen in this life of mine. And unlike the elaborate ones I’ve written before, I’ll make this straight and simple this time.

Think positive things. No more “what if“s from here on. Check.

Be more trusting, especially to those people who trust me. Check.

Forget the past. What happened before does not necessarily mean it’s gonna happen now, or anytime in this lifetime. Check.

Stop worrying. Check.

Be still, and let Him be God. Check. Check.

Sigh.

Right now, I’m a lot of things I don’t want to become. I hurt people unconsciously. I’m insensitive. I’m obsessive-compulsive, but I’m OC at unimportant things. I’m workaholic when I’m not supposed to, and I waste away time when I should be working.

But all of these will change, I promise.

To you, most especially.

Watch me.

Heh. I guess you can tell by the title of this post that this is going to be one long icky rant huh. Don’t worry. It’s going to be icky, but I’ll try my best not to make it long. Promise. :P

Lemme just say, before anything else, that I’m blogging this in behalf of my roommates, Aster and Ivy, who are fortunate enough *gag* to get front seats to this quarter-life drama that my life is. Tell me, what could be better (or worse? haha) than spending your 24th year of existence with two ladies who understand what you’re going through because they’re experiencing the same crisis? :)

That being said, there was no need for explanations amongst the three of us when we took our seats inside the cinema of Shangrila Mall for a last full show of One More Chance. No need for explanations when Aster took out her box of tissue and started sniffing. Or when Ivy started making fun of the actors in an attempt to keep the tough act (haha!). Or when I started tapping my feet restlessly because I hated the thought that I could relate to what was happening on screen.

Call it cliche, or jologs, or whatever, but it actually felt weird watching something vaguely familiar. I’m not really a fan of tagalog movies but I’m quite impressed how they managed to capture real-life break-up drama in a made-up story. Of course everything was a haze. Five years worth of ups and downs in a relationship jammed in 20 minutes. Months of sleepless nights and torturous mornings summed up in 2 or 3 scenes. Moving on, adjusting back to being single with a little help from your friends, and getting a new job, all in 30 minutes. Two years of moving away to “find yourself”, fastforwarded to 2 minutes. In real life, it’s more agonizing and longer than that.

The ultimate truth of the matter is, experiencing a break-up is probably one of the most (if not TEH most) liberating, life-altering experience in the world. While it’s mostly painful, it’s an opportunity to get to know yourself a bit more and to acknowledge what you’re worth. It’s the kind of experience you’d want to go back to when you need something to draw strength from, or when you have a friend who needs to be comforted.

Take it from someone who experienced something like it. I’m not an expert at all, just like Aster, or Ivy.. just like the rest of you. Break-ups are real. It happens, but it’s not the end of the world.

Years after you experienced that heartbreak, just like the movies, it’s easier to look back and say it wasn’t that long after all. You’re able to focus on more important things (career, family, friends, yourself), and just when you know you’re ready to love again, someone comes along who’s ready to love you more than anyone has ever loved you before (hey, say cheese). I’m sure you’ll agree when I say nothing beats knowing that the things that happened in the past ultimately brought you where you’re supposed to be. No more regrets.

Life is funny that way. It’s sometimes mushy, sometimes predictable, oftentimes agonizing — it’s a series of ups and downs — but it’s worth living just the same.

Just like a mushy tagalog movie.

Lol. Yeah. Whatever.

My Dad would have turned 58 last November 9. I refrained from blogging or writing anything that day because I didn’t want to be too emotional. Besides, my family and I had a fun time together celebrating his birthday over dinner, I didn’t want to ruin it by being the crybaby that I am. :)

Then again, I guess there’s really no way I could avoid missing him and wiping tears off my eyes once in a while. No way I could stop thinking of a lifetime ahead of me without him to share it with.

*Sigh* It’s been almost 8 months. Sometimes it still feels like a dream.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m happy. We‘re happy. Happy that he’s not battling anymore with cardiomyopathy. Happy knowing that he’s not experiencing any more pain. Happy knowing that he’s happy where he is now.

It just so happened that I was watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 4‘s 5th episode Haunt You Everyday, on the day the whole country’s celebrating All Soul’s Day — the first one where I actually have a Dad (who passed away) to remember.

I’m loving George O’Malley’s character in Season 4. Anyway, this is, if not the most, one of the most moving speech in the episode for me.

I dont have kids, so i dont know how its like to lose a child but i do know how its like to lose a parent. Your daughter loved you, i saw her this morning, she was fighting for you. She’s fighting for your life. You’re her dad. You’re her dad, she won’t leave you, I know that. I also know that she would want you to have her heart. I would have given my dad my heart if i could. If I could have saved him, I would have given him my heart. ~ George

I felt what George said. I would have given mine to my Dad too, if I had the chance. But okay, let’s save the drama for a later post.

That is, if I get the courage to write one. Sigh.

…I’d light it up, close my eyes, think of home (wherever home is), and fly as far away from here as possible in a heartbeat.

Yvaine, dear Yvaine.. I know how it feels. You wake up from a shallow sleep, and for one moment you wonder where you are and why in the world you’re there. You know you should be in a place where there are no worries, no pain, no fears — yep, that place where all that’s required of you is to shine. But no matter how much you want to go back, deep inside you know that there’s a reason why you are where you are and you have to get through it so you can find your way home.

Image from the movie, Stardust.

So I just woke up from a powernap — one I needed to take because I was feeling tired and stressed and sulky — and these happened to be my first thoughts: stars, babylon candles, pirate ships, and being anywhere but here. (Just lovely, Riz). So much for watching emo films that have the word “star” in them huh. Have I become such a loser? Is there anyone else out there who thinks it’s normal to be feeling the way I do right now? I’m oversensitive. I overanalyze things. I worry about the future. I care so much about expectations. I cry over random things. I want to be anywhere but where I am. I hate myself and I often wish I’m not.. ME. Pretty problematic, huh.

Worse is, I rant endlessly to the boyfriend and the girlfriend about things I cannot change. And sometimes, I become cranky too. Which is weird (and sad) because come to think of it, I’m living a comfortable life, I’m blessed, and I’m loved. At least I know it’s something remotely similar to how she feels. (I’m not alone, yay me!) But I also know that this is beyond PMS or QLC. That this is beyond me. That at one point, this too shall pass, but until then, I need to have the courage and the patience to endure.

Ergo, I try to entertain myself. I think of myself as Yvaine, a star who fell down from heavens. And as I try to figure out how to fly back to the starry skies, someone appears in front of me with a babylon candle. (If you haven’t seen Stardust, the babylon candle allows one to travel wherever he/she wishes. “The fastest way to travel is by candlelight,” Una said.) I can finally fly home.

If only fairy tales are real and I have in my possession one of those babylon candles, I think I know exactly where I want to fly to right now. Three places.

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I remembered her because I happened to have browsed through a local magazine this morning which had a short feature about her. You probably don’t know this girl, but her name is Abigail Breslin, and she’s one of the top child star earners in Hollywood this year (albeit being at a low profile), along with Hillary Duff, Dakota Fanning, and High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens.

Her name probably didn’t ring a bell too, so let me help you a bit. She was the adorable little girl named Sarah in Raising Helen, a movie shown in 2004 starred by Kate Hudson. Yup, she was that girl who had a stuffed Hippo, who talked about her nose boogie, and cried over tying her shoe laces.

Three years after, she was the not-so-little-anymore girl named Zoe, who starred with Catherine Zeta Jones at No Reservations. (Which I happened to have watched on the big screen last month). There were more stuffed animals now, and she’s grown, hence, she was more fierce and stubborn and sensitive in this film.

Interestingly, the common thing about Abigail Breslin’s characters, Sarah and Zoe, is that in both movies, she had lost her parents at such a young age. Sarah’s parents died in a car accident at Raising Helen, and Zoe’s mom died also in a car accident at No Reservations.

Funny how she’s always casted for roles like that — lost little girl, trying to get over the death of her parents, starting a whole new life with an aunt who knows little about her, seeking attention in different forms and ways. And dude, she’s played the role well.

Then again, she probably didn’t have to exert too much effort playing that role. I mean, how natural is it to feel lost? Come to think of it, there’s always that lost little girl inside every woman’s heart that is wanting to feel that sense of belongingness, hoping to find someone who will care for her on top of everything else, and seeking that “place” she can call home.

Point is, I envy her. Man. She gets paid millions of dollars playing a role I do so well. Tsk.