Past Life

Dreading March 26

March 11th, 2008 § 7

One of the things my Mom “assigned” me to do following Daddy’s death was to write a short letter of thanks in behalf of our family to everyone who was/is there with us throughout this whole ordeal. Mom would always tell me that I’m the writer in the family, that I’m the best person to do it, or sometimes, in her desperate attempts to make me move, she would make bola and tell me that Daddy would have wanted me to do it more than anyone in the world. It has been my greatest challenge since.

It’s gonna be Dad’s first death anniversary on the 26th, and I still haven’t come up with anything. Mom has been so patient with me, even though I know that she’s starting to get frustrated about not being able to at least give a thank you card to everyone after all these months.

It’s just that.. everytime I try to sit down to work on it, I always end up staring at a blank sheet of paper, or a blank text file, and a few minutes later, I’d start tearing up again. I’ve ran out of excuses to explain to Mom why I still haven’t come up with what she’s asking for. I know I could easily just string together words of appreciation, layout them together with a photo of my Dad, print, and send. But it’s difficult, because no amount of words is enough to thank everyone who was part of my Dad’s life and ministry. *Sigh* I’m not just being lazy. I’ve been stalling, I know right, but only because the mere thought of working on THAT letter relieves the pain of our loss, and it’s as if I have to accept over again that Dad’s already gone.

I’m turning 25 in a few months, but I still haven’t stopped feeling like still being too young to lose a father. I guess I’ll never stop feeling like that. Dad’s early death may have forced me to grow up, but deep inside I will always be that little girl who’d give anything to twirl around her Daddy in circles again. Ugh, it’s just too frustrating sometimes. I mean, why do other twentyfiveyearolds get to share their lives with their Dads and I don’t? *More sighs* Okai, I stop whining now.

So yeah, March 26 is just around the corner, and I’m starting to have more and more thoughts about Daddy again. And I have no more excuse to set aside writing that thank you letter now. I owe it to my Mom. I know how important that is to her.

But mostly, I owe it to Daddy. Since he didn’t get to have that last chance to thank all those people who were part of his life, I want to do it for him with all my heart.

Missing Dad, Eleven Months Now

February 27th, 2008 § 10

Among the gazillions of memories that my Dad left us with, these two photos are probably the ones that will forever be etched in my head: the black-and-white photo from the last sermon he gave in church, and the color-ed one (with that eternal smile) from a medical-dental mission from way back.

For the past eleven months since Daddy’s death, I’ve gotten so used to seeing these two pictures around — on my Mom’s office wall, in our living room, on a mural in church — that I’d sometimes find myself automatically saying “Hi Daddy, how are you?” everytime I pass through them.

Then again, there are times, such as last Sunday (or NOW), when staring at his pictures would make me cry uncontrollably again. There are just no words to describe how much I miss Daddy. Sometimes it would feel as if the pain of his death is being relieved in my heart over again like it just happened.

I didn’t realize until earlier today that it’s been almost a year already since Dad left to be with the Lord. A lot of things has happened ever since, and there was not a time when I didn’t wonder how different things would have been if he was still around. How I would have made better decisions if I got to have a piece of his wisdom, or how it would have been happier to celebrate special days and victories with him, or how trials would have been easier to bear if I could talk to him, get a piece of his mind, or probably laugh my sorrows away with him.

I guess these are some of the things I will always remember about Daddy. He always had a way of staying calm even though he’s got a gunk of problems to think about. He had this ability to trust God wholly in spite of all the discouragements that this world is made of; and to smile even through trying times.

Smile though your heart is aching, Daddy would often sing — while taking a bath, or while driving, or once when I was so brokenhearted from breaking up with my first boyfriend. I guess he knew that these lines would never fail to bring the smile back on my face. Coincidentally, Daddy also sang portions of this song during his last sermon in church, unaware that it was going to be one of the last memories he’d be leaving us with forever.

The song’s been playing over and over in my head the past few days. It also happened to play on the stereo while Mom and I were in the car the other day, and as tears started falling down my cheeks, Mom sent reassuring smiles my way as if to say that it’s okay to cry.

The irony of this song is, the manner by which it tells you to NOT cry makes you cry EVEN MORE. Pfft.

But I needed it then. And I sure do need it now. Even though it’s making me CRY MORE than SMILE, I’m okay, because there’s something so refreshing about being able to cry things out, while holding on to the simple truth that in this cruel world, God will always give you reasons to smile. And what do you know, hearing Daddy’s faint voice from a distance as if he’s singing the song to me makes the thought even sweeter. His memories shall always live by.

So hey, I’m gona grab some Kleenex now and cry some more. :) Meanwhile, here’s the song — click to play — just in case you need to hear it too. (Lyrics after the jump.)

Smile, whats the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Smile by Nat King Cole | CLICK

» Read the rest of this entry «

Click Happy Friday: Pink Roses for Me

February 22nd, 2008 § 3

So I’m little by little rekindling my time with Konks (my Nikon D40) and to learn *serious* photography; hence I’ve started posting again at my photoblog after four months of undeclared hiatus. Also, aside from my *ehem* renewed commitment to regularly update Click Happy, I’m also starting this new category on this blog, Click Happy Friday, where I’ll post one or two of my favorite shots (or something like that) every Friday.

That way, I can regularly update this blog too, at least once a week. Yep. Let’s see how far I’ll go haha. :)

This week, pink is the color of love <3

So there. This is the first bouquet of pink roses from teh boyfriend, delivered to me on Valentines Day. It’s the first, that’s right, because five days after V-day, another bouquet of roses was delivered in the office. Ergo, the whole week, I have a bouquet of lovely pink roses in the apartment, and another set of pretty hotpink ones here on my office desk.

Receiving flowers on V-days may be cliche, I know right. And one can say that you can always make everyday Valentines day anyway (boo, there goes one of my boyfriend’s cheesy pickup lines, lol). But IMO, it’s the essence of “tradition” that makes the flowers, the sickeningly sweet chocolates, and even the cutesy teddy bears, special.

A note to apathetic guys (and boyfriends) out there: girls, whether or not they try to deny their desire, or justify their non-desire to receive flowers on special occasions such as V-days or anniversaries, will still love to receive something — anything — that would make them feel that they are, at least, remembered or thought of on these special days. Right Ivy? Ohh I should know. I’ve gone through years of being a cynic when it comes to these things, only to realize that it’s actually kindof fun to be pursued, courted, and loved this way. (I guess teh boyfriend’s doing a good job, after all. Whew.)

Okay, I stop yakking like a highschool girl now because it’s no V-day anymore, heh, but before we say buhbye to the month of love, here’s my clickhappy moment for the week. :)

I Want to Fly, Literally and Figuratively

January 30th, 2008 § 12

There’s always something to remind me of those dreams — of flying out of this country and starting my career off from scratch in a place where I can be anyone I want to be because no one knows me.

There’s the KC Concepcion documentary about her life in Paris. Or Ala Parades‘ chronicles on their new life in the land of the Oz. Or this girl (let’s leave her anonymous hehe) whose blog I always lurk on, who went to England to take graduate studies, and eventually work. Or movies like Devil Wears Prada (okay, I just had to say that one). And the constant talk among friends about Sydney, Singapore, and New York. My heart beats doubletime every time I think of flying away, anxious because I feel like there’s something I have to do to pursue those dreams and I’m not doing anything about it because I’m too scared.

I turn 25 this year, and the constant desire for a change in environment, for an adventure, for something new, is just something I couldn’t deny even to myself. Sometimes I wonder if I just need a break, but I feel that I need more than just that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love what I do. And God knows how thankful I am to be where I am at this point in my life.

It’s just that lately, my prayers involve a lot of, “please make me desire going out of this country less if this is not Your will for me” or “please make me bloom, regardless if I stay in this country or not.” You get what I’m saying?

Oh whoosh. I’m monologuing again. :) I guess all I’m trying to say is..

Watch me fly. Soon. Literally or figuratively, we’ll see. :)

Kendall Payne CDs, Mine!

January 19th, 2008 § 8

I’ve looked everywhere — Odyssey outlets, music bars, department stores, etc — for any of Kendall Payne‘s albums, to my own dismay. I even got some of my friends involved in the search, but unsuccessful we all were.

So imagine my delight when a package was delivered to my apartment last week, all the way from Staten Island. Yep, all three of them. *jump, jump* (Thanks, boyfriend, you’re super!)

Kendall Payne

So yeah. Since then, my playlist includes three albums worth of Kendall Payne: Paper Skin, Grown, and Jordin’s Sister. Happiness does come in small packages, huh. :)

I didn’t know that Kendall Payne’s a Gospel singer. I first got interested when I heard her song “Scratch” from a Grey’s Anatomy episode, and “Not Afraid to be Me,” also from GA. I later learned that she’s also the voice behind Felicity and Never Been Kissed’s soundtracks. I loooove her. Although she can be very well known in the pop slash country-music arena, a few of her songs have an obvious Godward message in them. Like her song Aslan, which, I reckon, was inspired by CS Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, where Aslan (the lion) symbolizes the Savior and the power of good.

So anyway. Enough blabbers.

There goes one little wish granted for me. This year, a lot of dreams will come true. Let’s start with the little ones. :)

Oh Hai, I'm Stuck in a Moment

January 16th, 2008 § 2

Just to let you in on what’s happening in this wonderful, wonderful life of mine (it IS wonderful, mind you), I’m currently threading another crossroad — one I never thought I’d find myself in at this point in my life.

..and I’m excited and scared and restless. As if I’ve never been more sure and more uncertain at the same time. Seth Godin hit the nail hard in the head when he said, “if it doesn’t cost your life, it isn’t a quest.”

I’m thinking it through, weighing things down, waiting for the right signals. But one thing for sure — I’m turning 25 this year, and a quest is just what I need.

Coffee Break

January 9th, 2008 Comments Off on Coffee Break

Today, I took a break and had coffee without sugar. I’ve never had coffee without sugar in my life, until now. And let me just say that I hate it. I hate how it tastes — its bitterness leaving this annoying after-taste in my tongue that I could not get rid off even after gulping mug-fulls of water.

But I drank it still, taking it all in because I thought it was about time to learn to like what’s unlike-able. I had to know how far I’d go without sugar — how I’d live without depending too much on the sugary taste that I’ve gotten so used to.

You see, life is like that. It’s not all sugar and spice and everything nice. Once in a while, you have to learn to live with the bitterness and the un-wanted things that come with life (also, to accept things you can’t change, and not attempt to change things you can’t accept).

I’d like to preserve a memory in this post. Something that will keep thugging at my heart for sure, but one which I’m determined to accept, to leave behind, and eventually, forget, by God’s grace.

After all, I know that a few more mugs of water will wash the bitterness away.

Year 2007, Beautiful Indeed

December 30th, 2007 § 10

A little less than 2 days left before the year ends, would you look at that. In a few hours, together with my extended family, I shall say good bye to 2007. “Will you be in church on Sunday?,” Jovan, a friend, asked me the other day. I answered, “Of course. I want to be there when SBC bids 2007 goodbye.” :)

Year 2007, what can I say. 2007 brought me victories and accomplishments I never thought were possible at this point in my life. There were new (and overwhelming) opportunities, responsibilities, and commitments that were beyond my expectations. Of course there were heartbreaks, sacrifices, and losses as well — which brought about one leap of faith after another, spiritual highs and lows, and answered prayers.

And then there was love — an overflow of it in various forms and ways.

It’s a beautiful year, indeed. And by beautiful, I mean a lot of things — things I may not be able to give justice to because even if I try confining them into words, I would only end up robbing them off their true beauty.

Now just so I have some sort of a format, I’m doing an old blog meme I did two years ago, which I’m modifying now to capture the real highlights of the year that (soon-to-be) was. Here are some of my best posts for year 2007, grouped by month, with copy-pasted excerpts (because I’m too lazy to make summaries hehe). Join me as I wrap the year up. :)

» Read the rest of this entry «

My Grown-up Christmas List

December 28th, 2007 § 4

So how’s your Christmas? :)

Mine was fast, I almost didn’t notice it. (I mean, I only noticed it now that I’m back in the office like a zombie after the pseudo Christmas break — I swear, I go like, “man that was fast” every now and then). It was different, to say the least, as it was our first Christmas without Dad. Like I said before, there will always be that empty seat, and I will always miss my Dad especially in occasions such as this. There’s a combination of sadness and joy remembering last Christmas, yes, but I’m thankful because I feel as if there’s some sort of a force-field around me this Christmas season, protecting me from any depressive attacks due to excessively missing my Dad, thus making this Christmas tear-less for me. God is good.

Anyway. I know it’s three days too late to be making yet again another Christmas list, but whatdaheck, Christmas happens only once, you can never have enough lists. So even though Christmas has come and gone already, here’s an addition to my beyond-budget Christmas wishlist (which I probably won’t be able to get myself UNTIL next Christmas, haha). Not that I’m complaining, really. I’m happy enough completing my shopping list, and giving away gifts for everyone. There’s much greater joy in that. :)

But of course, beyond the material things, one needs to have wishes that are.. intangible.

So this Christmas, I wish..

..to have a sense of direction, to decipher the road signs being sent my way and take the right turns and course of action without wasting time;

..to have the courage to do what should be done — to get out of my comfort zone if need be, or to have the patience to stay if it’s not yet time to go;

..to have peace of mind even in times when I can’t see what’s at the end of the road;

..to be more trusting and less pessimistic, to talk less and listen more, to plan less and act more;

..to have more time doing the things I love, at my own pace, at my own time.

..to be mindful of the more important things in this life — investments, relationships, family, the people I love, God;

..to be able to support more missionaries, holistic ministries and outreaches, both financially and in prayers;

..to have a fruitful coming year, after all I’ll be turning 25;

..to spend more time with my family.

..to go places.

I’m talking in riddles again, I know. But, well, these are my heart’s desires. I pray God desires these for me too. ;)

As an end to this post, here’s a song that I always love playing even when it’s not December (composed by Kuya Reeve, a dear friend, and sung by Sheila Juan, one of my girlfriends from college), which I post now because December’s almost over, and I don’t want to wait another 12 months before I could have a chance to share it with you guys. Hehe.

Now if I would dedicate this song to anyone, I’d dedicate it to those whose hearts are full of hope. I wish you find joy and love this Christmas in the simplest of things. :) Enjoy the rest of the holidays, everyone! :)

Lyrics after the jump.

[audio:https://past.chasingdreams.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/december-dawn.mp3]
December Dawn by Reeve | Download MP3.

» Read the rest of this entry «

Categories
Archives

Categories

Archives